(mostly) Friends Only...
... because there are those that might not approve of the content. ;)

So.
I'm chillin.
Sitting on my ass, as per usual, doing very little.
I don't know what I want to do. I don't know what I should be doing. Well, I know what I SHOULD be doing, but it's Sunday so there's very little I CAN do on that front... not that I'd know where to start anyways. I need a game plan.

I need a few game plans, I have a lot of games going right now.

<i>[On a side note, stfu. gd. ydnkeitw. salyd.]</i>
<i>[On another side note, ick. tyfpdaew. DNW.]</i>

Game plans. Ok.

<u><b>LUNCH WITH CREEPY "So maybe you'd like to have coffee some time?" GUY</b></u>
<b>Problem:</b> Agreed to have lunch with creepy, icky, way-too-forward loser out of panic and confusion.
<b>Current Status:</b> Lunch set for Tuesday at noon-ish. Creeper will come by pharmacy. FML.
<b>Steps to Handle Situation:</b> Instead of taking break at 12:00, take break at 11:15. Wait outside LD in order to catch him before he goes inside to look for me. "Sorry, I had to take my break early. I only have 15 mins left. Chill at market?" Awkward 15 min lunch. "Another lunch some time? Sorry. No thanks. Bye!" Done.

Aaand I just decided other issues and game plans are not net apropriate. Oddly enough. w/e.

So. Yesterday I sat in a room, squished into a rocking chair with my younger cousin, surrounded by aunts, uncles, grandparents, my mom and a couple dogs, listening to everyone talking and making jokes about porn.

The most awkward and fucking hilarious thing ever. For actual.

I have no words.

Just wow.

these past couple of days have been horrible. seems like most of the time i'm barely surviving.

and my mum's starting to nag me all of the sudden, and she has NO idea how bad her timing is. no fucking clue. and she's all teasing about it and sometimes i just want to scream at her but what am i supposed to say?

and my dad's being all needy. yesterday we were away babysitting and mum had a meeting, so he came home and went to bed to an empty house. now he's acting like a little bitch. i know, harsh, but seriously, i don't know how else to describe it. i get it, no one likes to work all day and come home to an empty house. but ffs, i'm alone ALL FUCKING DAY LONG. and he's alone one night. suck it up. people have shit to do. it's not like we were out partying, we had responsibilities and commitments. stfd and stfu.

apparently he thinks mum's going to all these meetings after work just to avoid him or some stupid shit like that. "she never did this before, she focused on you kids and the house." the fuck? as if she LIKES going to all these things. she gets roped into them because she's too nice to say no, she knows they need help. so boo fucking hoo. you don't have a housewife anymore. suck it the fuck up. kids grow up, projects and goups come and go.

.... aaaaaand i just had a huge argument with my dad as i was writing this.

fucking awesome.

swell. the house wasn't clean enough, i can't seem to make dinner on my own without fucking up the potatoes, now dad's leaving. who the fuck knows where he's going or when he'll be back.

awesome. i fail at life once again. i can't clean, i can't cook. that's all i do, is clean and cook. that's it, and i can't do it right. and i can't seem to hold my fucking temper and fuck fuck fuck i seriously can't even think anymore. i have no idea what i'm doing or why the fuck. why the fuck what. i don't know. i've lost my train of fucking though.

pretty sure if he drives off a cliff i'll kill myself out of guilt.

wow. thanks for that. if there was any doubt before on whether or not i was completely useless, was and 100% dispensable, it's now official. there is no point in my existence. awesome. good to know.

i will take three deep breaths before dealing with my dad when he's in one of his moods.
i will be supportive, understanding and tolerant.

i try, but it is SO FUCKING FRUSTRATING. i'm alone all day. every day. there's me, and the one cat that stays in the house all day, and all he does is beg for food. i have no one here. until HE comes home. if it's a good day, he'll be all retardedly hyper and just push my buttons and provoke me for kicks like he usually does. if it's a bad day i'll be able to hear him start his rant before he even gets to the door about how filthy the house is and how we're all just a bunch of pigs, and anyone who comes to our house will probably think we're dirty hicks and slobs, etc.... THEN he fucking gets MAD at ME for being in a BAD FUCKING MOOD and SNAPPING AT HIM. oh, sorry, i didn't realize i was supposed to be a ray of fucking sunshine while i was being treated like shit. oops. maybe next time. fuck you.

i will make a good, healthy dinner every evening.

hard, when i don't feel like eating or dealing with food at all. but whatever. i make what they ask me to. i even cut up chicken, and i am stupidly paranoid about touching meat in general, especially chicken. even regular dinners though... i just don't care anymore. i have no energy, no will, no motivation whatsoever. on more than one occasion i've literally curled up on the kitchen floor while i was waiting for water to boil. i would have been quite happy not to get up again.

i will clean the house, including vacuuming, mopping, and laundry every day and if i puke, then so be it.

i do. but apparently that's not good enough. i washed the fucking walls and trim today. i went at them with a magic eraser and a cloth. did anyone notice that though? nope... because i hadn't taken out the garbage yet and there was stuff still on the counter tops. oops. sorry. FUCK YOU.

i will not complain about anything.
i will appear to be in a good mood.

apparently that's what lj's for now.  my journal is now my parent, my friend, my therapist. sweet, that's gotta be healthy. part of me just wants to make a list of everything that's wrong with me, hold it up in front of a group of doctors and say, "ok, sup?" but that's never gonna happen so fuck it. suck it up, burry it down. move the fuck on.

i will fix myself up and stop wearing my pjs all day like a fucking loser.

maybe tomorrow. not that fixing myself up would make me less of a fucking loser.

everyone's on edge. my family's exhausted. dad's freakin out and going crazy, mum just looks upset all the time. everyone's worried about everyone else. they don't have time to take care of anything, not even themselves. dad wakes up at 4:00 to go to work and usually comes home 12 hours later. my brother usually comes home a couple hours before him. mum works 10 hours a day, then there's all the community meetings she has to go to after. usually they come home, eat dinner, watch a little tv, and go to bed. then start it all over again.

shit's hitting the fan at dad's business. everything's breaking down, his partner's on medical leave, the markets are total crap. he doesn't sleep anymore. he's old fashioned, he feels like it's his duty to support the family, and we shouldn't have to worry about that stuff. but it's hard right now. and now mum's working full time, not because we're desperate for cash or anything, but because shit's being difficult at her work too. and dad's not used to her working so much, they never see eachother anymore, he's worried that she's too stressed, and she is but his worry isn't helping any. and mum's stressed about everything going on at her work, and stressed about how stressed dad is etc etc etc....

it's just a great big shitspiral into hell. and they're worried about me, because i keep getting sick and i'm sick again but i'm not going to tell them anymore. dad keeps asking if my neck hurts because he's all paranoid i have menengitis or something. they're also paranoid about cancer after everything going on with my uncle. but whatever, i obviously don't have cancer, and i'm not going to the hospital just so they can tell me i'm sick. i'm done with that. so as far as they're concerned i'm all better now, i have no issues, no stress, i'm fine. i'll just deal with it. that's my new resolution, keep my mouth shut.

i will take three deep breaths before dealing with my dad when he's in one of his moods.
i will be supportive, understanding and tolerant.
i will make a good, healthy dinner every evening.
i will clean the house, including vacuuming, mopping, and laundry every day and if i puke, then so be it.
i will not complain about anything.
i will appear to be in a good mood.
i will fix myself up and stop wearing my pjs all day like a fucking loser.

the end.

i hate feeling like a waste of space. i fucking hate it.
i hate feeling like i'm just an annoyance, i hate bothering people, i hate it.

i'm pretty much feeling like a worthless failure right now. and today was so great. it was a nice day, i got a lot done. but little things pile up, and suddenly i'm on the verge of tears. fucking meds are useless sometimes. i just want to get high as a kite on something. maybe i can google uppers? i don't know. i want that feeling so bad right now. i don't care if it's artificial. i want to grin and giggle at nothing. i don't want to sit here and feel sick to my stomach because i'm worthless.

i HATE being nothing.

Wow. Nice question, considering my last flocked post.

As my official answer, I'll say that I'd apply to Oxbridge. Studying there, with all that history, those museums, everything right at my fingertips? Bliss. Pure bliss. Not to mention the rest of Europe being a quick flight away! If I knew there was no chance of a fantastic faliure, I'd go for it in a heartbeat. But even that answer's restrained, and not as honest as it should be. Even with the guarentee of success, I'm still playing it safe and watering down my answer.

Unofficially (and to be detailed in a private post for myself so no one thinks I'm insane), I'd go for 'it'. Yes, 'it'. I'd become exactly what/who I've wanted to be for so long. And I would ROCK it. Pwn it. You have no idea. I'd conquer that shit and take no prisoners. Just wow.

K. Now that that's answered, it's back to reality for me. Time to calculate some calories and make some vain attemtps to make myself a better human being. I think it's a little late now though. Oh well. Fuck it. Five years down, who the hell knows how many more to go.

how about this.... breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

breakfast: Heath Ledger, preferably at his place in New York after a long night of doing him. i would LOVE to chat with him over breakfast about anything and everything. he always seemed so much more complicated and deep than most other actors his age. it would be amazing to hear his thoughts on current events, acting, philosophy, life, anything...

lunch: "Coco" Chanel at her apartment in Paris! that would blow my mind. i'd give anything to pick her brain on fashion, society, the war, etc... and maybe (definitely) try on some of her stuff. Karl Lagerfeld would be a CLOSE second for lunch. though who knows if he'd eat. actually, it would be be better if he didn't, then he'd have more time to talk ;)

dinner: SOCRATES! oh my god, i would fucking LOVE to go to a symposium with Socrates. wow. i know plato's symposium is unrealistic, but still... if it were HALF as good as that, i'd die happy. right then and there. i suppose the one requirement would be that i be allowed to go as a guest as opposed to a flute playing hooker lol if not, i'd be happy to site outside by a window and just listen and watch ;)

Very little. And that little is very hard to maintain.

At this point I'm taking things one day at a time. Do what you can, when you can. You can't save the world, you can't change the world, and anyone who tells you otherwise is living in their own little rose-tinted fantasy land.

I cannot believe I'm done. I don't think it'll sink in for a while yet.
But that was it. It's over.
I am FINISHED MY SCHOOLING. I have completed my BA.

Ho-ly Shit.

What a way to go though....
I finished up my last few credits in two Theatre courses, and it was amazing. You just don't get that close to your classmates in other departments. I love them all! We even have a facebook group for Thea 122.

So. Yesterday was it. And it was wonderful. After 122 we hung around and took pictures with K's mustache, then passed around a pr as we wandered over to Felicita's. We hung out, had a couple drinks, ate some appies, and watched sports bloopers. We weren't sure if anyone else was coming so we just went outside to play frisbee and drink coffee. Once we got bored with that, we just flopped down on the grass and hung out, having the occasional grass fight. Then we parted ways and I went with J and L's place to watch part of Aladdin before we headed out to the Bent Mast in JB. That was a lot of fun. We got food, hung out, and played Trivial Pursuit until 11:30, then C gave us girls rides home like a gentleman. Four people in the back seat of a small car is interesting, to say the least.

I left the house as a student at 9:40 in the morning, and returned as a university grad at 12:12 at night.

I want to remember this forever.

 If I was at the Academy Awards and won something, I would probably say...

What. The. FUCK. Did I drink, smoke, snort or drop to make me forget that I made a movie?
OR
Hi there John.... You're lookin nice... So.... What after party are you goin to?

*bow*

*exit*